The Paternity Pay Sketch

Scene

An official looking office with the feel of a scientific institute. Two men are present. One man sits behind an oak desk. The other stands in front of him, palms on the desk as he speaks.

Standing Man: I mean they call it paternity leave, but you don't get paid for it, you just get 2 weeks minimum pay. Women get 6 weeks full pay. It's unfair. It's unfair to men. Where's the equality in that I ask you?

Man at Desk [thinks for a moment]: No, no you're right, that is disadvantageous to men.

Standing man is pleased with this decision. The man behind the desk gets up and goes to a blackboard. Only the right half of the blackboard is initially in shot. Written at the top of the board is the title: 'Things That Are Disadvantageous to Men'. Written in chalk are two five bar gates and three single strokes. The man adds a fourth stroke to the latter group. The rest of the side of the board is empty.

The camera pans left, to the other side of the board, titled: 'Things That Are Disadvantageous to Women'. This side of the board is full of five bar gates, many written over others in different coloured chalks. The camera continues to pan left to reveal two further blackboards and a whiteboard on wheels that have been stacked at one corner of the room and are full. Someone at some point has started writing five bar gates on the wall, but quickly discarded this method, in favour of a piece of paper pinned to the wall that unravels to the floor in curls and continues under the door and outside into the corridor. Both sides of the paper are crammed with five bar gates.

The paper reaches the main entrance and the camera continues outside, following more chalked five bar gates on the ground, with children adding more. The camera pans up to reveal two enormous monoliths of stone dominating the skyline, with a third in construction, each more massive than the rest, each marked with hundreds of thousands of five bar gates arranged in the pattern of five bar gates. Finally, markings on the surface of the moon are seen, with a rocket taking off from the ground.

End Scene

Why?Boy Returns

Back, due to no demand whatsoever:

Why?Boy Returns

Scene 18 Int. A stone corridor leading to an iron door.

Two henchmen stand before the door, dressed all in black and armed with sten guns. Why?Boy comes around the corner and stands before them.

Henchman1:

Don’t come any closer Why?Boy.

Why?Boy:

Why?

Henchman1:

‘Cause we got orders to keep you out.

Why?Boy:

Why?

Henchman1:

‘Cause our boss don’t want you in here.

Why?Boy:

Why?

Henchman1 (starting to sweat):

‘Cause you might stop him taking over the world.

Why?Boy:

Why?

Henchman1:

Ah! I can’t takes much more.

Henchman2:

What you waiting for? Shoot him Reg.

Henchman1:

I can’t Larry. It’s his incessant question what’s making me lose me mind.

Henchman2:

Stay back now ya hear Why?Boy? Stay back or I’ll shoot.

Why?Boy:

Why?

Henchman2:

To stop you getting in here.

Why?Boy:

Why?

Henchman2:

‘Cause that’s what I’m paid to do.

Why?Boy:

Why?

Henchman1

See what I mean, Larry? It’s incessant.

Henchman2:

Now look, I was in jail see for robbery. Henchman is the only job I could gets.

Why?Boy:

Why?

Henchman2 (eyes starting to bulge):

It’s the heartless system, see. An old lag like me don’t stand a chance against the, the, the system.

Henchman2 screams and blow his brains out. Henchman1 quickly follows. Why?Boy steps over the bodies and advances through the door.

End Scene.

Scene 19 Int. Study beyond the iron door, wall to wall books and a desk and an assortment of chemistry equipment in one corner. The rooms comes to a point with two window either side.

Fools Top is making the final adjustments to the rocket he will fire into the reservoir to pollute London’s water supply. He doesn’t look up as Why?Boy approaches.

Fools Top:

Somehow I didn’t think it would take you long to get past the guards Why?Boy. I suppose you think you going to stop me.

Why?Boy:

Why?

Fools Top:

Why indeed.

Why?Boy:

Why?

Fools Top(looks up):

You’re not so tough, Why?Boy. The rights answers to your questions are enough to render you powerless. (Why?Boy makes to speak) Why?

Why?Boy:

Why?

Fools Top:

Why?

Why?Boy:

Why?

Fools Top:

Why?

Why?Boy:

Why?

Why?

Why?

Fools Top:

I think he’s caught in a loop.

Fools Top laughs manically as Why?Boy sags and looks crestfallen. Fools Top reaches into a drawer in his desk and takes out a Luger. He aims it at Why?Boy. He makes to pull the trigger, then stops and circles the gun illustratively in the air as he speaks.

Fools Top:

I want you to know that I’m not an evil man, Why?Boy. Usually I wouldn’t kill anyone so young as you, but you’ve delayed my plans too many times and I can’t have you stopping me now. Not when I am so close.

Why?Boy:

Why?

Fools Top:

Nice try Why?Boy. But allow me to answer a question with a question: Why not?

Fools Top levels the gun at Why?Boy just as two more children, a girl and a boy, enter through the door and stand side by side with Why?Boy.

Fools Top:

What’s this? How Do Lad and Whatev's Girl. But I saw you die.

How Do Lad (nods):

How Do Lad.

Whatev’s Girl(shrugs):

Whatev’s.

Fools Top staggers backwards at these words, hands to his temples, gun still in his hand. The three caped crusaders step forward as one.

How Do Lad (nods):

How Do Lad.

Why?Boy:

Why?

Whatev’s Girl(shrugs):

Whatev’s.

How Do Lad (nods):

How Do Lad.

Why?Boy:

Why?

Whatev’s Girl(shrugs):

Whatev’s.

How Do Lad (nods):

How Do Lad.

Why?Boy:

Why?

Whatev’s Girl(shrugs):

Whatev’s.

Fools Top:

Argh! No, stop you fools, stop.

How Do Lad (nods):

How Do Lad.

Why?Boy:

Why?

Whatev’s Girl(shrugs):

Whatev’s.

Fools Top staggers towards a window, topples out and falls to his death.

How Do Lad (nods):

How Do Lad.

Why?Boy:

Why?

Whatev’s Girl(shrugs):

Whatev’s.

The three break into a musical routine to the tune of Morecambe and Wise’s Boom, Oo, Yatta-ta-ta (Whatev’s, Why, How-Do-Lad). Why Mother Why? (Cilla Black) released from the dungeon by Whatev’s Girl and How Do Lad appears to sings the main tune.

End Scene

Credits



See Also (click link):

The Further Adventures of Why?Boy

Get it done.

In Our Present Time

The one edition of In Our Time that you won’t find in the BBC archive.

In Our Present Time

Announcer: And now on Radio 4, In Our Time with Simon Brotherington.

Simon: Hello. I’m Simon Brotherington, standing in for Melvyn Bragg, who’s away this week.

Simon: Joining me to discuss the murder of Julius Caesar are, Dr Julie Craig, Visiting Lecturer in Classical Studies at Woking University; Lawrence Schutt, Emeritus Professor in Roman History at Jordan College, Oxford; and Wendy Clarence, Senior Lecturer in Northern English Roman Studies at Northern University, Bradford.

Simon: Julie Craig, if we can start with you. Can you start by giving us a brief outline of the early years of Julius Caesar?

Julie: Certainly. Gaius Julius Caesar is born around 100BCE, before common era, or before Christ. He’s born to Aurelia Cotta and Gaius Julius Caesar. His family are patricians. They have noble roots, though at this time the family isn’t particularly rich or influential. They...

Simon: Sorry, can I stop you there for a moment. You said Julius Caesar is born around 100BC?

Julie: That’s right.

Simon: But is born? Is born? Surely you mean, was born.

Julie: Sorry?

Simon: Look, unless I’ve massively misunderstood the notes you all sent me, we’re talking about events that happened over two thousand years ago, correct?

Julie: Yes.

Simon: But you’re talking about it like it’s going on now.

Julie: It’s academic convention.

Simon: Well it’s weird. Anyway, I interrupted you. Go on.

Julie: Erm, well, ok, so, his father dies in 85BCE and at the age of 16, young Gaius becomes head of the family.

Simon: See, you’re doing it again.

Julie: What?

Simon: ‘Becomes head of the family’. No, became head of the family.

Julie: I’m sorry.

Simon: Doesn’t matter. Lawrence Schutt, if I can turn to you to move things on a bit. As I understand it, Julius became a priest of Jupiter, where he narrowly escaped death in the purges of the dictator Sulla, so he joined the army and went off to fight in Asia.

Lawrence: That is correct, Simon.

Simon: Ok, so take the story on from there.

Lawrence: Ok, so Gaius joins the army and serves with distinction at the battle of Mytilene, where he is awarded the Civic Crown.

Simon: But see now you’re doing it. This is supposed to be a high class discussion programme. We’re supposed to be educating the listeners about history, not recording a DVD commentary.

Julie: But this is how we always speak. It’s never been a problem when I’ve been on here before.

Simon: You mean it’s not been a problem.

Julie: What?

Simon: Never refers to something that’s not ever happened. Something can’t never have happened before. It has either never happened or it has happened. It’s happening now. So  it can’t never have happened.

Silence.

Simon: Sorry, that just really gets on my tits that. And look, I may not have a PhD in History, but I have at least worked out the difference between the present and the past tense. Wendy Clarence, I hope that you’re going to introduce some sanity into proceedings. Talk about when Julius Caesar was captured by pirates.

Wendy: Erm, so this is in the year 75BCE.

Simon: Was in the year.

Wendy: Sorry, was is in the year 75BCE. Gaius is sailing to Greece to..

Simon: Was sailing to Greece.

Wendy: Was sailing to Greece to continue his studies, when he’s captured err, was captured by Cilcian pirates and held for ransom.

Simon: Good.

Wendy: It is said that when he heard the pirates wanted 20 talons for his ransom, he demands, he demanded, he, he demands, demanded [bursting into tears] that they ask for at least 50.

Simon: Oh good grief. You academics, you don’t like being out of your comfort zone, do you? And now look, it’s nearly the end of the program and we haven’t got anywhere near the murder of Julius Caesar. What do you have to say for yourselves?

Mumbles.

Simon: Pardon?

All: Sorry Simon.

Simon: Worst episode of In Our Time, ever. And I do mean ever.

All: Sorry Simon. Wendy blows her nose and sobs.

Simon: Next week on In Our Time, Melvyn and his guests are, err, will be talking about the history of hostage taking. Thank you very much for listening.

Get it done.