Showing posts with label News. Show all posts
Showing posts with label News. Show all posts

Monday, 17 February 2014

The Internet Void versus The Infinity of Fools

With apologies to passive-aggressive Facebook posters (you know who you are).

The Internet Void versus The Infinity of Fools

“He who fights too long against dragons becomes a dragon himself; and if you gaze too long into the abyss, the abyss will gaze into you.”
                                                Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil

There was a time when I believed that the internet would set us free as a species. That so much virtual space would open up the borders to infinity and we would never have to deal with anyone we didn’t like ever again. Yet you only have to take a cursory glance at the comments section under any YouTube clip or newspaper article to realise that people seek out conflict on the virtual plain more now than ever before.

I think that ‘internet troll’ is far too polite a term for people who attack others online. Troglodyte is more apt. Trolls merely live under the bridges of the information superhighway, but troglodytes live in darkened caves beneath its surface, blind to all but their own non-thoughts and nonsense, only poking their heads out into the daylight to vomit up some piece of bile onto Twitter or an article on climate change.

Most of the kind of nonsense that happens on the internet these days is borne out of personal cowardice and fear. The internet offers anonymity, as well as an uncensored, unfiltered funnel down which to pour our own self-hatred. Hatred is really just another name for fear, redirected and amplified away from self.

In my experience, people judge others by their own standards and most manifestations and excuses for prejudice can ultimately be traced back to negative self-image. Men who are homophobic are either afraid of confronting doubts about their own sexuality or else they are scared that gay men will treat them in the kind of inappropriate ways in which they act towards women. People who hate a particular religion or race because they think they are sneaky or dishonest are themselves not to be trusted. People who accuse other people of smelling bad are usually the ones with the questionable personal hygiene habits. We each reflect in others what we find lacking in ourselves, in the same way that we seek out friends and partners who have the strengths and skills that we wish that we possessed.

I began this article by quoting my favourite aphorism in the whole of philosophy. The internet has become the void, the abyss. It is so big and so unwieldy, with so much that is horrific and vile just a few short keystrokes away, that it fills us with a kind of primal terror. Like staring into the night sky or snorkelling above the falling away of a continental shelf, the fear of the unknown terrifies us and sends us paddling back to shallower waters. Rather than stretch our horizons, we stick to familiar territory. The internet is an infinite expanse, yet most people obsessively circle around the same dozen websites time and time again.

Most of our fears about content in cyber space are really just reflections of the fears inside our own heads. Yet rather than immerse and marvel in the intensity of our own imaginations, we cower away from them and blame anyone but ourselves for the images, thoughts and ideas that run through our heads. We can, for instance, worry that our children are exposed to pornography online like never before. Yet children, certainly boys, have always been able to get hold of porn. It may be extreme, but by virtue of the fact of it being freely available, it becomes ultimately worthless. It’s very rare that I watch pornography, given how mind numbingly boring it is, mainly designed as far as I can see for men dishonest about their own sexual preferences to watch other men get sucked off while still kidding on that they’re 100% straight (just be honest and free yourself). Yet the most graphic pornography I’ve ever been exposed to was German and seen when I was eleven at scout camp, from the personal collection of the dad of the kid passing it around the tent. His dad was Akela, the head of the Scout Group. It’s easy to fall into the trap that the internet is making the world a worse place for children to grow up in, but the truth of the matter is that things are at worst just as bad as they always were. Yet by blaming new media it becomes so much easier to abnegate ourselves of the responsibility of honestly educating our children. Pornography isn’t the problem. The problem is the attitude of society towards women that makes their mistreatment a viable voyeuristic activity.

What the internet is doing is making us more claustrophobic. In captive chimp colonies when numbers become too high or not enough personal space is allowed, individual members will eventually turn on one other. We are becoming an infinite number of monkeys shoehorned into a finite cage. There was a time when any person could hold a particular view about the origins of the universe, even if that view was enforced by church and state, and they could remain blissfully unaware that anyone could hold a contrary view. These days, you can express an opinion online on anything from evolution to England’s starting eleven and be told you’re not only wrong but also a cunt by ten thousand random idiots in a micro second. Is it any wonder if we become claustrophobic? Is it any wonder if personal responsibility starts to dissolve when an inner monologue and self-checking is lost to the hive mind?

Look at any newspaper website comments section and you can see that the majority of comments are posted by people who don’t even read that paper or subscribe to its values. Guardianistas attack Mailites, Sun ‘readers’ (<even I’m doing it) post on The Daily Mirror. Rather than exploring the untouched plains of the internet, we seek out people we hate, like we’d rather be with someone we hate, just so we don’t have to face life alone. We have to have someone to push against, be in dynamic opposition against. Not much point being a racist if you don’t seek out Muslims to shout ‘Paki’ at. Not much point hating women and blaming them for your own inadequacies if you don’t make cowardly rape threats from behind the safety of a plastic screen. How brave of you. Well done you (sarcasm emoticon).

The internet makes idiots of us all and somehow reduces us to the belief that anything that we have to say is of equal value and deserves to be shared with the whole of humanity. Again, check the comments on YouTube or any article touting the 10 Greatest Albums/Films/Garden Hoes of All Time to witness an abject lesson in banality. “I don’t agree with your choice. I think The Godfather should be no 1 and The Godfather 2 no.” or “Typical left wing, bleeding heart liberal press.” quickly descending into comments about 9/11 being an inside job or Americans ranting at British people about how we’d all be speaking German if not for them, like they were personally at fucking Normandy on D-Day. We need to be saved from ourselves. Who cares what you think? If you’ve got something to say, start a blog to ring fence your opinions and save us from your non-thoughts. Or take a course in journalism so at least you’ll have an editor to reign in your exuberant hatefulness.

Mind you, the internet renders even traditional forms of journalism meaningless. Most newspapers these days are more full of editorials and personal opinion pieces than anything like actual news and much of it is as badly thought out and written as your average Facebook post (‘I am a beautiful flower and if you don’t appreciate that then the problem is with you not me, even though I’m the one posting this passively aggressively, clearly demonstrating in the process that I’m the one that needs to work on my self-image. How many likes for my maudlin post? I’m so alone.’).

Yet here’s the nub of the matter, folks. I still believe that the internet will eventually set us free. Or a version of it. We are only at the beginning of our journey into cyber space and this is a period of adjustment that we need to go through. After all, Dunbar’s Number is the number of relationships that the average person can comfortably maintain at any one time. Dunbar’s number has a value of 150. Just 150 friendships that we can maintain, which shows that despite living in towns and cities and supporting national sports teams, we are still essentially villagers who haven’t yet evolved to live like city dwellers. Like Dunbar’s Number, we haven’t evolved beyond basic expressions of intolerance and hatred. We can talk about national pride, but our brains aren’t sophisticated enough to think like members of multi-racial, multi-opinionated societies, comprising millions of individuals. We want everyone to think in the same way that we do in order to validate our belief systems.

I blame monotheism. The idea of one god was originally imposed upon western society in order to set in the public’s mind the idea of their being one ruling family, chosen by god to rule in perpetuity. Monotheism has infected us with a kind of monomania, where everyone must worship one god and be of one sexuality, one nationality and one personality.

What the internet has done is to confront us with how erroneous this mind-set is. In my personal fantasies, I believe that what we are going through at the moment is the first step towards the annihilation of nation states and the establishment of new countries dedicated to more useful criteria for patriotism, like knitting or Game of Thrones or Star Trek or Justin Bieber or Joyce or Dylan or Nina Simone or Creole cooking or football or golf or cricket or redheads etc. etc. Which must terrify the ruling elite, if they ever envisage such a situation. Western capitalism and hierarchical systems in general have always ruled by the principle of divide and conquer. Get us to hate the least powerful, immigrant workers, the unemployed, the disabled, etc., in order to focus our rage away from the real enemies of society (i.e., them). Yet if we were to once again form mini-societies based upon common ground then capitalism would eventually give way to collectivism. No mega-rich is the wealth is passed around between is us.


Eventually we will probably all retreat into a virtual environment anyway, where everyone’s tastes can be catered for, whether that’s enrolling in your very own version of Hogwarts or abusing virtual children. Unhealthy behaviour on both counts, but it will be our children who will have to discuss what’s acceptable behaviour when they get there. Eventually cyber space will cure even death and then, essentially, we will all remain children forever anyway. As we start to take our first steps into the tide pool, it seems that we are already learning how to remain childish.

(this article is open for comments, but I won't read them. It might be more productive to cut out the middle man and just smear shit on the wall).

Get it done.


Tuesday, 4 February 2014

Small Ads

Whoops, late one.

Small Ads

Humourless bint wishes to meet pathological liar for relationship based on mutual deceit.

Table, 46, wishes to meet lampshade with similar interests for hill walks and standing still when owners home.  No smokers please.

Tell Laura I love her.

LOST:  Saturday evening and will to live.  If found, please return as of  sentimental value.

FOUND: Small African nation.  If lost please contact British Rail Lost Property-Ormskirk

Can't get that rancid corpse smell out of your carpet? We are here to help.  Ring easi-clean now on 0854 657211

WHY IS EVERYBODY STARING? WHY IS EVERYBODY STARING?

Bored with life? Why not steal someone's passport and assume their identity!

Comedy writer seeks suburban couple and their ‘rad’ kids for hilarious sitcom staple scenarios.

The circle has been broken, repeat, the circle has been broken. Go to plan Ω

Dear Wendy,
     I think my fridge freezer has fallen hopelessly in love with me. It keeps texting me at odd times of the day, about de-
10
Get it Done
easy clean - we are here to help






































11









Tuesday, 28 January 2014

Future Headlines


Coming to your eyeballs on a pair of Google Glasses soon...

President Nominates Convicted Sex Offender For Secretary of Education

Newly inaugurated President John Jackson today announced a further round of nominations for key federal posts. They include Rapine Swift III, heir to the Schnell Dairy empire.

Swift was convicted in 2007 of a string of sex offenses against girls as young as 9. He was sentenced to 15 years in jail, but spent less than 18 months in custody after family lawyers mounted a costly legal appeal.

The White House was quick to defend the nomination. Press Secretary Jerry Creel said in a press conference: “Rapine is the President’s choice. He has extensive experience with children and is ideally qualified to deal with education.”


Swift’s nomination is the latest controversial appointment by President Jackson, who has already nominated oil tycoon Grant McBlack to head up Energy, former Wall Street lawyer Scott Free as Treasurer and General Bagley Cash as Secretary of Defense.

General Cash has interests in a number of defense contracting firms, including Drones for You and KTF Systems. If confirmed as Secretary, he is likely to be excluded from any Department of Defense (DoD) meetings where contracts are under discussion.

It would be a return to the situation under Donald Rumsfeld who frequently left DoD meetings early due to conflicts with his business interests. Rumsfeld was Secretary of Defense from 2001-2006.

The Senate will vote on the nominations of Cash and Swift early next month. Neither is likely to face significant opposition. Swift is a longtime supporter of Jackson, donating more than $330,000 to his political campaigns over the years. Cash has donated more than $100,000.

Jackson beat his rival Jack Johnson in last year’s tightly fought election.

Get it done.


Sunday, 26 January 2014

Three Views Upon the Miraculous


Today I try my hand at journalism. Except, it's me, so I couldn't report on anything so ordinary as an actual news item. 

The following is how I imagine three news organisations might report on events that form the background to several other stories.

Three Views Upon the Miraculous



BBC News

Brian Clough 'Comes Back From the Dead'

The late football manager Brian Clough has made an appearance during a game at Nottingham Forrest.

The incident occurred on Saturday during Forrest’s 5-3 win against AFC Bournemouth at the City Ground.

Clough died in September 2004.

Reactions to the episode were mixed, with fans astounded and exuberant in equal measure – many more appeared simply baffled.

Cameras filming for the BBC’s ‘The Football League Show’ showed Clough sitting in the Brian Clough Stand with Peter Taylor, his assistant until Taylor’s retirement in 1982.

Taylor died in 1990.

Footage from the ground did not capture how or when Clough and Taylor appeared, but review of television footage appeared to first show the pair early in the second half.

Nottingham Forrest were losing 0-3 at the time, thanks to goals from Lewis Grabban, Brett Pitman and Wes Fogden for AFC Bournemouth.

Clough and Taylor received a standing ovation at the conclusion of the game, which saw Forrest score five late goals, including a hat trick from midfielder Andy Reid.

Stewards and the police were required to escort the men out at the referees final whistle, as fans mobbed around them.

There are reports that the men vanished in the tunnel leading from the stand.

‘Like he stepped out of the 70s.’

Commentators and fans reacted with amazement to the event.

BBC sports correspondent Garth Crooks said, “After what we’ve seen happening in the world recently, it’s hard to put today in context.”

“What does it say for the world of football or the world in general?”

“My hope is that this signifies an end to people disappearing. That in Britain people don’t disappear, they come back.”

AFC Bournemouth manager Eddie Howe simply exclaimed: “Well what can you say about that?”

Nottingham Forrest manager Billy Davies however gave praise to the club’s former manager and his assistant for their presence: “I think it’s pretty clear that Cloughy and Peter were the 12th and 13th men out there today.”

Menawhile, ForrestFanatic82 tweeted: “OMG, I was sat right behind Cloughy today. Looked like he stepped out of the 70s. Looked like when we beat Malmo in ’79 final.”

In another tweet ForrestFanatic82 said: “He was just there. Not sure when he was there. Maybe from kickoff, but deffo only in 2nd half we noticed him.”

Disappearances

Clough’s reappearance follows months of disappearances across the world, with people vanishing as far afield as Namibia and France.

The first incidents were reported in Israel’s Occupied Territories, but soon spread to encompass much of the Middle East and North Africa.

Initially only occurring at night, the first major daytime disappearance occurred in the Iranian city of Isfahan in August and was caught on film.

The cameraman himself disappeared, his camera seen to come crashing to the floor during the extraordinary footage.

Reports of disappearance events have been slowly spreading north through Europe over the summer.

The first disappearances were reported in Britain on Friday.

Who Was Brian Clough?
  • Born Brian Howard Clough, 21 March 1935.
  • He played professionally for Sunderland and Middlesbrough, scoring 251 league goals on 274 appearances. At Middlesbrough he first met future assistant Peter Taylor, where Taylor was goalkeeper. Cruciate ligament damage forced Clough to retire in 1964 at the age of 29.
  • His first managerial position was with Hartlepools United. He went on to manage Derby County and Brighton & Hove Albion, before a stormy spell in charge of Leeds United saw Clough being sacked after just 44 days in the job. A book about that period, The Dammed Und by David Pearce, was made into the 2009 film, The Dammed United, staring Michael Sheen as Clough. 
  • He went on to manage Nottingham Forrest from 1975 until 1993. His side won the European Cup for two seasons in a row in 1979 & 1980. He also won the old First Division for the season 1977-1978, as well as four League Cups. His team were undefeated for 42 league games between November 1977 and December 1978, a record which stood until Arsenal beat it by going 49 games without defeat in August 2004.
  • His final season in charge saw Nottingham Forrest relegated from the Premier League.
  • Brian Clough died in Derby City Hospital on 20 September 2004. More than 14,000 people attended his memorial service at Derby County’s Pride Park Stadium.

Profile: Brian Clough

Where you at the City Ground? Did you witness the appearance of Brian Clough or Peter Taylor? Contact the BBC Newsdesk or leave your comments in the comments section below.

More on This Story
Related Stories
Global disappearance epidemic reaches Britain
Match Report: Nottingham Forrest 5-3 AFC Bournemouth
Cameraman Vanishes Capturing Disappearances on Film

From other news sites

The Guardian
Clough Returns From Dead To Inspire Forrest to Victory Then Disappears

The Sun
Britain Beats World, Brings Back Brian

Daily Express
Will Brain Clough’s Reappearance Affect Interest Rates?

Daily Mirror
Clough of Smoke

Daily Mail
Boon Time For Paedophiles as Disappearances Reach British Shores



The Guardian

Clough Returns From Dead To Inspire Forrest to Victory Then Disappears

Incredible events happened during home game against AFC Bournemouth.

Brian Clough has made an appearance during a match at Nottingham Forrest’s City Ground, despite having died in 2004.

The Ex-Forrest manager was witnessed in the stand which bears his name early in the second half, along with former assistant, Peter Taylor. Taylor died in 1990.

Nottingham Forrest were 0-3 down at the time, but rallied late on to score five goals in the final thirty minutes. The victory lifts them to sixth place in the Championship.

A cordon of police and stewards was erected around the men as they left the stand, but they promptly vanished in the melee. Sources inside the club told the Guardian that the men had not been seen to disappear.

Cameras for both the BBC and Sky Sports failed to find the exact moment when Clough and Taylor made their appearance, but most people seem to agree that the men were not present as Nottingham Forrest  kicked off the second half.

As well as footage from the BBC and Sky, a number of camera phone videos were uploaded to YouTube and Instagram. They show Clough wearing a green jumper with red collar sticking out and quiffed back hair.

Those who had known and worked with Brian Clough estimated his appearance to be as he looked in his mid-40s. This would equate to the year circa 1980, leading some to speculate that Clough and Taylor briefly travelled forwards in time.

Others have speculated that Clough’s appearance was an elaborate hoax staged by Forrest to lift the morale of players and fans alike, with a number of high profile names including Derren Brown and David Blaine implicated in the conspiracy. However, coming as it does hard upon recent world events, most seemed ready to accept the incident at face value.

Exact figures for the number of people that have disappeared in the world in the last six months remain elusive, but conservative estimates put the number at around 150 million. The disappearance epidemic finally reached British shores on Friday. 153 people were reported missing in and around Norwich, with a further 81 vanishing from Kirkwall in Orkney. The mood in both towns was reported as calm, but troops have been deployed as a cautionary measure, following the rioting seen in other European countries.

The strange appearance of Brain Clough and Peter Taylor at the City Ground Saturday seems to have no precedent. There have been no other reports of people reappearing or returning from the dead elsewhere in the world and some commentators are speculating that events at Nottingham Forrest mark the beginning of the end of the disappearances. Others state that this position is optimistically  premature. The Clough incident could also herald a dark new chapter in the story.

More from the Guardian

Media Scrum Surrounds John Lennon, As America Claims Ignorance of His Assassination
More UK Disappearances in Kent, Essex and York
In Pictures: First UK Disappearances




Daily Mirror


Clough of Smoke

DEAD MANAGER MAKES MIRACULOUS RETURN…



…AND VANISHES

Football Chiefs admitted to astonishment yesterday as Brian Clough materialised during a Nottingham Forrest match, then vanished on his way out of the ground.

FA Chairman Greg Dyke announced he was launching an investigation into the events at the City Ground after claims of an elaborate hoax.

Controversial ex-Forrest manager Clough, 69 at the time of his death in 2004, appeared to appear during his former team’s Championship game with AFC Bournemouth.

Forrest trailed 0-3 at the time, but scored 5 times following Clough’s guest appearance, leading to accusations of cheating by Bournemouth.

Dyke, 66, said: “I think we need to get to the bottom of this. Either something quite miraculous happened in Nottingham today or there has been an attempt to deceive fans.”

“We need to conduct a quick investigation so that the football going public can have confidence they are not being cheated.”

The Mirror can exclusively reveal that the man bearing a likeness to Clough disappeared as he was being escorted out of the Brian Clough Stadium.

A police escort was required as fans crowed around the man at the final whistle. He vanished in the tunnel from the stand, despite being encircled by police and stewards.

A spokesman for Forrest Chairman, the Kuwaiti born Fawaz Mubarak Al-Hasawi, said last night: “Nottingham Forrest will obviously cooperate fully with any investigation. The club is as perplexed by today’s events as everyone else and we want to a draw line under the incident as soon as possible.”

Clough, who made his appearance during the second half of the Championship clash against Bournemouth, wore his trademark green jumper over a red polo shirt. He appeared to be in his mid-40s. He was obviously delighted with the attention his appearance generated and responded enthusiastically to the standing ovation he was given at the end of the game.

Clough was accompanied by former assistant Peter Taylor. Taylor was Clough’s right hand man throughout the 60s and 70s, but a rift developed when Clough accepted a pay rise from Forrest without including his assistant. Taylor died in 1990.

It is not the first time that the deceased manager has caused controversy. In 1989, Clough punched two fans as they invaded the pitch after Forrest’s 5-2 victory over Queens Park Rangers. Clough was given a three month touchline ban and fined £5,000. He later made a public apology to the pair and made them kiss him.

Yesterday’s events come after the disappearance of over a quarter of a billion people across the globe. The UK became the latest victim of the epidemic when nearly 400 people disappeared Friday. Clough and Taylor are the latest names to be added to the list of missing people.


* Recommended In News

Atlantic Rift
John Lennon alive in New York as Americans unable to remember Mark Chapman slaying.

Liverpool: The City That Time Forgot
Time moving at different rates across Merseyside.

The Mystery of Helen Marr

Cloud Confusion

Get it done.