Recently, I've been refamiliarising myself with the Ten Commandments and decided that they need footnoting for the modern world. Also, I want to make absolutely sure that I really do end up in hell, same place as all the good music, good drugs and bad women.
The Ten Commandments
(footnoted)
Exodus 20: 1-17, King
James Version:
And God spake all
these words, saying,
I am the Lord thy God, which have
brought thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage1.
Thou shalt have no
other gods before me2.
Thou shalt not make
unto thee any graven image3, or any likeness of anything that is in
heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under
the earth4.
Thou shalt not bow
down thyself to them5, nor serve them6: for I the Lord thy God am a jealous
God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and
fourth generation of them that hate me7;
And shewing mercy
unto thousands of them that love me, and keep my commandments8.
Thou shalt not take
the name of the Lord
thy God in vain; for the Lord
will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain9.
Remember the sabbath
day, to keep it holy10.
Six days shalt thou
labour, and do all thy work:
But the seventh day
is the sabbath of the Lord
thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter,
thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is
within thy gates11:
For in six days the Lord made heaven and
earth, the sea, and all that in them is, and rested the seventh day: wherefore
the Lord
blessed the sabbath day, and hallowed it12.
Honour thy father
and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee13.
Thou shalt not kill14.
Thou shalt not
commit adultery15.
Thou shalt not steal16.
Thou shalt not bear
false witness against thy neighbour17.
Thou shalt not covet
thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his
manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is
thy neighbour's18.
1This
is meant to be treated as literally true, despite the lack of any archaeological
evidence for the Israelites ever being in Egypt, let alone slaves there, the
inclusion of such anachronisms as making mention
of Dromedary camels, which weren’t introduced into Egypt until fifteen hundred
years after the events in Exodus are meant to have taken place, and the idea that
approximately one quarter of the entire population of Egypt, on whom the other
three quarters had been entirely dependent as slave labour for either four
hundred or four hundred and thirty years, suddenly down tools and disappear
into the wilderness without there being any major implications of which we are
aware. If you don’t believe this to be literally true, you lack sufficient
belief and you need to up your game and try harder.
2Other than Jesus. Obviously. Oh, and
Catholics get to worship Mary too. But that's it.
3Excepting crucifixes, crosses, altars,
churches, temples, cathedrals, over large charity thermometers, statues to
politicians, soldiers or sports stars, Nike swooshes, film and television in
general, Facebook, Twitter and Justin Bieber. Actually, it would probably be easier
to compile a list of the things of which you actually aren't allowed to make graven images.
I’ll return to this point following an epic game of Biblical Guess Who?
4Obviously God doesn’t mean this literally or
else he wouldn’t have invented the camera phone or moving pictures, because then
every time you turned on the television or watched that dog riding around on the
vacuum cleaner on YouTube, you would be sinning against the light twenty five
times a second. Also, if making a likeness of anything that is
in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under
the earth is a sin, then that would mean David Attenborough is going straight
to hell, whereas I firmly believe that David Attenborough will be canonised as
a saint about thirty seconds after he breathes his last.
5Unless they hold a gun to your head.
6See note 5.
7So you’re probably already screwed anyway.
8Or saved. Either way, there’s very
little you can do, so I wouldn't worry about it too much.
9Claiming that God told you to invade a Middle
Eastrn country or to meet up with the former wife of a newspaper proprietor does
not qualify as taking the Lord’s name in vain.
10Only one day of the week is the correct Sabbath
day, but which day that is I’ll never tell.
11This commandment does not however apply to
footballers, either American or Association Football. .
12God may seem to be labouring the point here,
but this only serves to highlight how important it is to observe the correct Sabbath. Black Sabbath are not a viable option, for reasons which should
be readily apparent.
13One way in which to honour
thy father and thy mother is to stick them in a home when they can no longer
look after themselves, sell their home from out under them, and use the proceeds
to fund a trip to Disneyland, Florida.
14By
kill, God means murder and by murder, He means killing those who belong to the same
race, religion and sexual orientation as you.
15Unless
you really want to.
16Unless
you can get away with it.
17Unless
he’s an arsehole.
18His
natural resources, private utilities market or democratic process are, however, all perfectly fine. Covet away. See also note 16.
Get it
Done
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