Sunday, 4 August 2013


Scene: Forests of Rwanda

Lauren: Alright Clive, long time, no see.

Clive: My god, Lauren, is that you? Well fancy seeing you out here. How long has it been now?

Lauren: It's fifteen years Clive, I checked.

Clive: Fifteen years? Well I never. Have I really been in existence that long?

Lauren: You have Clive. We were in the spirit realm last time we saw each other. You'd just got your mobilisation orders. Mine were still to come through. I saw you, dimly, through the clouds after you were born and knew you'd grow up to be a fine specimen of your species. Then my orders came through and I entered reality through the method chosen for me.

Clive. You look well. It suits you.

Lauren: Thank you. And your back has filled out marvellously.

Clive: I know! It's quite a distinguished streak of grey wouldn't you say? Really filled out since the old fella got killed by poachers.

Lauren: I worry for you Clive. I really do. It's not safe here.

Clive: Oh but Lauren, I'm doing fine, I really am. I've got a harem of females at my beck and call, numbers two and three child on the way, and on this side of the mountain at least, I am master of all I survey.

Lauren: But what about the poachers?

Clive: There are other humans that protect us. And we're smarter than the poachers.

Lauren: Smart like your old fella?

Clive: No. My old fella was careless and he paid for his carelessness with his life. And I don't see why I should be lectured to by what can only be described as a fridge/freezer.

Lauren: See I knew you were lying when you said I look nice.

Clive: I said you looked well. And you do. But how did you end up a fridge/freezer?

Lauren: Recessive gene. Mother's side.

Clive: Ah. Well it doesn't seem to stop you getting about. The nearest kitchen near here is miles away.

Lauren: No, it's not the handicap it used to be. I make a good living as an investigative journalist. I turn up at a place and I sit there and make sure I'm stocked up on beer and ice cream so that people discuss events within earshot. I hate it when they rattle around inside me, but the thought of the scoop gets me through.

Clive: I remember you always want to be a journalist. Well done.

Lauren: Thank you. And what about you? Do you just spend your days boning your hairy concubines and scratching your big hairy gorilla balls?

Clive: Pretty much. Well my old fella was a gorilla, as was his father before him, back five generations, so this was always where I'd end up.

Lauren: Yes. I remember you were always very definite about that.

Clive: No recessive genes in my blood, just gorillas back as far as recorded time.

Lauren: You sound disappointed.

Clive: Well at least you get to travel. Only travelling I ever do is when we get word the poachers are coming.

Lauren: Yes, but the best I can do is sit in the corner and look inconspicuous. Very few people scare you I bet Clive. Not many you have to hide from.

Clive: This is true. Hey Lauren, what's white and can't climb trees?

Lauren: What?

Clive: You.

Lauren: Oh very funny. Like to know the last time you climbed a tree, ya fat cunt.

Clive: Dispense ice cubes with that mouth?

Lauren: Bite me.

Clive: No, I wouldn't do that. But I can rip your condensing system off of your back if you don't watch your mouth.

Lauren: Ooh, tetchy. Dying to prove you're a big strong gorilla to me, aren't you.

Clive: I just want you to take me seriously.

Lauren: And I do. But I'm bound to ask why?

Clive: Well we never really got a shot really, did we?

Lauren: Just that one night.

Clive: Yes.

Lauren: And then you got your orders and it suddenly seemed so real.

Clive: And so wrong.

Lauren: Yes.

Clive: You wouldn't even let me kiss you after.

Lauren: No.

Clive: And, I don't know, maybe I'm trying to protect you. Show you how well I've done and that you don't need to worry or blame yourself or anything.

Lauren: Blame myself? Blame myself for what?

Clive: I don't know. Nothing specific.

Lauren: Well then, what, generally, do I have to blame myself for?

Clive: Nothing. Really, nothing. I was thinking more of that guilt that females sometimes feel for things that are either not their fault or only exist in their heads.

Lauren: So now you're saying I'm a fantasist.

Clive: I cannot believe that I am a gorilla having a lover's tiff with a fridge/freezer. There is no one to blame because there is no blame to be had. It was just fate made it this way. Or chance. Out of our hands either way.

Lauren: There's always next time.

Clive: Next time?

Lauren: After this life.

Clive: Oh you're one of that lot are you? You believe in all that?

Lauren: Why not? Many others do who don't even remember the time before they were born. Half the atheists in the world are only that way because they think the universe existed before them and will exist after they cease to be. How many more would be believers if only they knew the truth?

Clive: Well even if your right, I'd only end up a gorilla again. But maybe you could become a gorilla too.

Lauren: And what? Become part of your harem? What do you take me for Clive? I'm not a fucking whore you know. And I don't share my man with anyone.

Clive: Well fine, things worked out great for everyone then. Go on, fuck off back to your snooping and I'll get back to getting my dick sucked.

Lauren: You don't have to be like that.

Clive: What ya mean? You're the one who turns up in the middle of my forest unannounced. Anyone else would be receiving medical attention about now.

Lauren: Ooh, big scary apeman. Have to admit though, I'm a little turned on.

Clive: (laughs) I know, it's dripping on the ground.

Lauren: Ha! No, I'm starting to defrost. Can't stay out here long. Need to go and find a power source.

Clive: Ah fuck you Lauren, I can't ever stay angry with you very long.

Lauren: Nor me.

Clive: Will you come visit me again?

Lauren: Perhaps.

Clive: Afternoons are best.

Lauren: Ok. Clive?

Clive: Yes Lauren?

Lauren: It doesn't always have to be this way you know.

Clive: No? Wait, what?

Lauren: I think you ended up as a gorilla because you accepted it as an inevitability.

Clive: You think?

Lauren: Yes. Out of loyalty. You felt obligated to follow in the family tradition. Well now you have. You know you don't want to be a gorilla for eternity, but as long as you accept being a primate as a fait accompli then you're never going to escape.

Clive: You might be right. That night we were together, after you fell asleep, I stared at the stars all night and tried to think of a way we could be together. And then I feel asleep and in the morning the telegram arrived and it all seemed rather academic.

Lauren: There's always next time.

Clive: Yes, next time.

Lauren: I really do have to go now. We'll talk more next time.

Clive: So you'll come back?

Lauren: I should think so.

Clive: Good. I do enjoy our conversations.

Lauren: So do I. Goodbye Clive.

Clive: Goodbye Lauren. See you soon.

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